Another quick and dirty textpost. Made this in two sittings.
Feti, was an iFunnier who’d quit the platform earlier this year after effectively after being bullied off the app. He was a very antisocial, inward person, Anecdotally he described himself as an autistic kid with completely messy hair, at least in his school days. Skinny, of unathletic build, fragile and afraid of the world. The only time he goes outside he does it to walk his parents’ dogs. Too afraid to learn to drive, or ever ask the girl he had a crush on out for over 8 years. It’s a sad story. His fatal mistake was that he confided in the general userbase of iFunny instead of to someone actually worthy of trust. He had a meltdown that it was of all people, an Indian dating the girl of his dreams. It crushed him. But his is a common tragedy today. The plight of his inceldom has my sympathy.
I’ll get this out of the way now, yes, it was cruel that the iFunny community reacted with mockery and laughter at his despair,1 but again, it’s foolish to confide in iFunniers. If you go into the online world with your personal vulnerabilities/weakness bare to the public, it is going to be exploited. I don’t think I need to browbeat anyone that it isn’t nice or good, what happened to him, but he’d basically painted a glowing target over his head that said “please bully me”. Keep your skeletons in your closets people.
But Why would I write about feti at all? Well, his wallowing and his fear, even some of his anecdotes about himself, I found in him strong similarities in character to myself. It kind of felt messed up seeing someone say the quiet parts of living life in desparation out loud, and then get dogpiled. Someone get dogpiled and bullied for being like me. Maybe I’ve not got it as bad as he has it, given I haven’t completely surrendered to rot and NEETdom past my mid 20s, but I’ve had my own brushes with that same despair. The learned helplessness, the self-pity, the sting of rejection, and then once it all subsides, sinking into the malaise of apathy. Even the realization that all of this is actually happening and you’ve allowed yourself to become a loser which sends you into a frenzy. “I have allowed myself to become a loser!” “where did it all go wrong?” one thinks to himself. I suppose feti is another one of those terrible potential futures that younger chuds like me have to avoid…
But you and I both know his story is an increasingly common tragedy not just of autists but of men in our generation. The modern world is an assembly line of broken people, and many obstacles exist now to basic success, let alone escape and that fabled pursuit of happiness people—especially americans—talk so much about. Modernity has been designed by many collaborating malicious actors, the world increasingly feels like… well you know. The dread suspicion, the longhouse, the police state, dystopia—this global-industrial complex… the encslavement of the central banking stystem… whatever. Life sucks more now, more than ever. …And I? I am an impotent powerless chud who has only just started becoming aware of this… I often fail to articulate it myself, but you guys, you get me, we here are of some mutual understanding.
My intent isn’t to doompost but I can’t help but feel that same despair, that same helplessness, that suppressed and inexpressable frustration… It’s transformed me into quite the neurotic, and I was already not the type to just ‘fit in’ before. If I keep bottling it up I’d explode, but if I don’t I drive people away… I feel like I’m unraveling. I never get enough sleep, I never get the right nutrition, I never get around to that which I want to care about and what I want to do… I’m afraid that my life is slipping away, that my senses are growing dull, days turn to weeks turn to months and I lose clarity and the sense for life’s meaning… It’s an existential terror. It’s maddening. This cannot continue. Yet at the same time I don’t know anything else, and that fear of what I don’t know is my prison. Just like feti who was too afraid to leave his own house or learn to drive, as I was just like him. At times I am still just like him.2
I feel like I live my life in shame, that I am constantly undermined, the general culture and the landscape, the urban, the digital, it is a constant bombardment of the psyche. it’s inescapable, this miasma of stress and fear and resentment that exists over most the western world. I despise it. I’m like a fish that’s been released into and forced to breathe overly polluted water. The water is too acidic, the salinity is too high, there is nothing cycling oxygen or nitrogen in the system and the tank is unclean. The environmental requirements for my health and longevity are completely unmet. Every day since my vacation ended, I’ve woken up tired as if I hadn’t rested at all. My imagination ceased to produce ideas, the sense of wonder and joy I had again left my range of emotions completely and my mind was masked in fog. I’m back to living life on autopilot as the energy and love of life I’d recovered since my break has entirely disappeared, and I’m back to being miserable. Why must I be subjected to life like this? What did I do to deserve this? When I can work through the miasma of nothing to feel, disgust and anger wells up in me, hate and vitriol, but I have to keep my mouth shut and my head down. God forbid I explode around a classmate or professor, fear of the consequences or reprisal—maybe just good impulse control—usually keeps it down. In a world where you know you can’t win any fights you learn to cope and seethe about it. In a world where you’re too weak to win any fights everything looks threatening. I wish I could study, exercise, anything to alleviate the burden. I’m spent.
Did you ever see the movie Brazil? It’s another dystopia, It doesn’t matter, but I feel it is eerily similar to my experience over the past decade, not the plot of the film but a specific part of the story. The protagonist, He spends his time daydreaming to get away from it all, he’s a habitual dreamer, but as the film goes on the nasty parts of the real world begin to invade his dreams, ruining and twisting and corrupting them. I dream frequently when I sleep, but my mind is so full of modernity that my daydreams, my day to day thoughts, and it’s leaking into my subconscious too, this spiritual rot of modernity. I fear more than anything that I might be turned into one of the walking human parodies, those last men that overflow the world today, in their unquestioning soullessness, openly consuming poisonous foods, poisonous culture, like the people of 120 days in sodom, gleefully shoving shit into their mouths because its the only food they can get. My rare moments of clarity through living life like this are only thoughts of this omnipresent cultural terror. Nothing is Sacred. Not even God. Everything reeks. Everything feels and looks dirty. I’m always malnourished, missing something, hungering for something, I can’t think straight. This is no way to live life. Scarcely anyone else would ever hear me out or understand what I say, they’d probably see me locked up forever. They always do that to people who won’t just conform.
Whatever. People don’t talk to me anyway, most think I’m a creep and I look the part anyway, go figure. I feel like shit. I had a half joking-half serious idea, A punny spin on some regurgitated idea I’d heard somewhere else. RW movements building support and building communities through charity. But in particular I’d bring up cases like Feti or the other iFunnier Zion Destroyer. He was suicidal but when patriot front (I know they aren’t well liked, just bear with me) helped him out of his rut he became an undyingly loyal follower of the cause. You can do similar things with zion/fetiesque types. Men abandoned by society at large are a huge recruitment base for radicalism, as is transparently obvious. Get up to some charity, help fix and save some lives, and you have undyingly loyal followers. PEople who would put their lives down because what they thought was already worthless was saved and redeemed. A lot of men are missing community, institutions, Dads, mentors, or just general guides in life. Call that shit Right wing Dad Squads.
I won’t moralize too much, I can’t pretend I didn’t enjoy a laugh at his expense during that whole event. Some of the posts were funny.
I learned to drive and am going to uni, I guess its more progress than he’d made by my age. I don’t like to kick him while he’s down like that though, it just doesn’t feel right.